Have you ever known exactly what you should do… and then found yourself doing the opposite?
You want a healthier relationship, but you pull away when someone gets close.
You want to make a change, but you keep putting it off.
You finally get an opportunity you’ve wanted, and suddenly you’re convincing yourself you’re not good enough for it.
You tell yourself you’re going to set a boundary, but when the moment comes, you say yes anyway.
We often call this self-sabotage.
But what if the behaviour that seems to be holding you back is actually trying to protect you?
What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage describes patterns of behaviour, thoughts or choices that interfere with something we consciously want.
It can show up in obvious ways, but sometimes it is much more subtle.
You might procrastinate until an opportunity passes. Stay in situations you know aren't making you happy. Push people away. Avoid difficult conversations. Overthink decisions until you don't make one at all. Give up when things start going well. Constantly seek reassurance or tell yourself you'll fail before you've even tried.
From the outside, it can look frustrating.
You might even find yourself thinking:
“Why do I keep doing this to myself?”
But that question can become much more useful when we change it slightly:
“What is this behaviour trying to protect me from?”
Self-sabotage isn't always about a lack of willpower
Many of the patterns we label as self-sabotage once served a purpose.
Imagine you've experienced rejection in previous relationships.
You meet someone new and things are going really well. You like them. They like you.
That should feel exciting.
Instead, you become anxious.
You start looking for problems. You analyse their messages. You convince yourself they're losing interest. Maybe you withdraw before they have the opportunity to reject you.
On the surface, you've sabotaged something you wanted.
Underneath, your mind may be saying:
“If I leave first, I can't be abandoned.”
The behaviour makes much more sense when we understand what sits underneath it.
Why do we self-sabotage?
There isn't one single reason.
Sometimes self-sabotaging patterns are connected to low self-esteem. If you have spent years believing you're not good enough, success, love or happiness can feel strangely uncomfortable because it doesn't fit with the story you've learned about yourself.
Sometimes it's fear of failure.
If you never properly try, you never have to discover whether you could fail.
But sometimes it's the opposite: fear of success.
Because succeeding can bring change, expectations, responsibility and uncertainty.
For other people, self-sabotage can be connected to previous relationships, childhood experiences, criticism, anxiety, perfectionism or a need to feel in control.
And sometimes we simply repeat what feels familiar.
Even when familiar isn't necessarily healthy.
Familiar doesn't always mean safe
One of the strange things about human behaviour is that we can be drawn towards patterns we already understand.
Not because they're good for us, but because they're predictable.
If you've spent years putting everybody else's needs before your own, setting a boundary might feel selfish.
If you're used to emotionally unavailable relationships, someone being genuinely available might feel uncomfortable.
If you've learned that mistakes lead to criticism, perfectionism might feel like protection.
If you've spent years doubting yourself, confidence can initially feel unnatural.
This is why simply telling yourself to “stop self-sabotaging” often doesn't work.
You haven't understood the reason the pattern exists yet.
Start noticing the pattern without judging yourself
Instead of immediately trying to change your behaviour, become curious about it.
When you notice yourself procrastinating, withdrawing, overthinking or avoiding something, ask yourself:
What happened just before I started feeling this way?
What am I afraid might happen?
What feeling am I trying to avoid?
What does this situation remind me of?
What would I do differently if I wasn't afraid of the outcome?
You might begin noticing that the same feelings appear in different areas of your life.
And once you can recognise the pattern, you have more choice about what happens next.
Therapy can help you understand what's underneath
Therapy isn't simply about telling you to stop doing something that's unhelpful.
It's about understanding why it makes sense that you learned to do it in the first place.
Through counselling, you can explore where certain beliefs about yourself came from, recognise patterns within your relationships, understand emotional triggers and begin developing different ways of responding.
Sometimes the behaviours we dislike most about ourselves make much more sense when we understand their history.
And understanding doesn't mean you have to keep repeating them.
It means you can begin making choices based on what you need now, rather than what you once needed to do to protect yourself.
Counselling for self-sabotage in Doncaster and online
If you recognise yourself in some of these patterns, you don't need to have everything figured out before coming to therapy.
At Empower Me Therapy, I offer integrative counselling in Doncaster, providing a space where we can explore what's happening for you without judgement.
Sessions are available face to face in Doncaster, through online therapy, or through walk and talk therapy for people who feel more comfortable talking while moving outdoors.
Whether you're struggling with self-sabotage, anxiety, relationships, boundaries, low self-esteem or simply feel stuck in patterns you don't fully understand, therapy can help you explore what sits underneath them.
Please email info@empowermetherapy.co.uk or call 07514240076 to chat about therapy and if its the right thing for you